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Frank Barone: I tried nice once. Didn't care for it.
Marie Barone: Is that what happened to smart?
Ray Barone: Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to... you know... lower cuddling.
Robert Barone: Hey, ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.
Marie Barone: These look old.
Frank Barone: You are what you eat.
Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.
[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in
a flashback]
Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?
Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.
Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.
Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.
Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.
Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.
Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.
Ray Barone: I loved that place.
Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.
Marie Barone: One day you'll turn around, and I'll be gone!
Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!
Debra Barone: It's not about winning and losing.
Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.
Marie Barone: I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized.
Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled pieces of
string too small to use.
Robert Barone: I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.
Ray Barone: She had that look like Mom did when we were kids and she caught us eating that whole box of Sucrets,
remember?
Robert Barone: Yeah, my tongue was numb for a month.
Ray Barone: Remember, Mom thought we were drug addicts. She said, That's
how it starts.
Ray Barone: All right Ally, you have to do what Mommy says.
Ally Barone: Why?
Ray Barone: 'Cause I do.
Ray Barone: It's like getting into a hot bath. You know, at first, you don't think you can take it. But then, you
know, once you get all your luggage in it's not that bad.
Marie Barone: What is a DVD player? Is it for pornography?
Debra Barone: Yes, Marie, I bought Ray a porn machine!
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Debra.
Debra Barone: A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.
Marie Barone: You know who says that? A messy person.
Robert Barone: When I was married to Joanne she wanted time alone. She used it to pack up and move out.
Marie Barone: Raymond, whatever happens, you and I are keeping the children.
Frank Barone: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Peaches.
[after the twins have knocked his golf clubs down
the stairs]
Ray Barone: Yeah... you won't be smiling when we send you a postcard from
Disneyland.
[Ray is trying to seem manly to a friend]
Ray Barone: [to Debra] Let's try and get it spot free.
This isn't like at home where I let that stuff slide.
Ray Barone: You know, we make a pretty good team together, your availability and my attractiveness.
Robert Barone: Yeah, it's like Robert-Raymond.
Ray Barone: No, it's Raybert.
Ray Barone: I can't believe you're still living with them. If it was me I'd be cleaning off my fingerprints and
rehearsing my 9-1-1 call.
Ray Barone: Uhh. It smells like a skunk that came out of the ass of another skunk.
Debra Barone: Honey, show daddy what you drew.
Ray Barone: That's okay, I can figure it out.
[Ally hands
Ray a drawing]
Ray Barone: Um, lets see. A big wall of red?
Ally Barone: No.
Debra Barone: Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.
Ray Barone: This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.
Frank Barone: It's called protecting your sandwich!
Frank Barone: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole...
Marie
Ray Barone: When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American novel. But then I realized that I didn't
even want to read the Great American Novel.
Marie Barone: You've read the Bible, Frank?
Frank Barone: I've read plenty of damn bibles!
Frank Barone: I could have eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview!
Ray Barone: I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.
Ray Barone: You can't create fate cause then its not fate, its voodoo.
Debra Barone: You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?
Robert Barone: Three women, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Ray Barone: You do a dance, you gigantic, lucky bastard.
Debra Barone: Ray, don't you say one more word or I'm gonna send your mother back in here to smack the crap out of
you.
Debra Barone: I'm crying cause I'm married to an insensitive dirfwad who instead of trying to make life better for
his wife tape-records her to prove she's a terrible person.
Ray Barone: What's a dirfwad?
Debra Barone: Layman, Gayman go away man!
Ray Barone: BULLY! BULLY!
Debra Barone: Oh, relax.
Ray Barone: Debra, Debra, Lovely Wife why am I stuck with you for life!
Marie Barone: Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.
Frank Barone: Marie did it the natural way. Pound cake!
Frank Barone: Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies.
Ray Barone: Who, the guys you swim naked with?
Frank Barone: That's lodge policy!
Marie Barone: Debra, don't let a suitcase full of cheese become your big fork and spoon.
Robert Barone: Everybody loves Raymond. When I go to work, people shoot at me. When Ray goes to work, people do the
wave.
Marie Barone: He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding night.
Marie Barone: Your father, his idea of culture is an undershirt with sleeves.
Ray Barone: When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.
Frank Barone: You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass.
Robert Barone: I'm a cop and live with my parents. I'm on a constant diet of human suffering.
Ray Barone: That's the restaurant where the crazy old Chinese lady yells at you while you're leaving, right?
Debra Barone: You know what she's yelling, right?
Ray Barone: Yeah, "habanadah!"
Debra Barone: She's saying, "Have a nice day."
Ray Barone: Oh.
[pause]
Ray Barone: Well, maybe she isn't crazy.
Frank Barone: 'Luck' is the residue of good planning.
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
Debra Barone: Ok, you know what? I'm tired of this. I'd rather be normal than this.
[imitates Marie]
Debra Barone: Ooh, dear how are you. Frosting in a can, so much easier than
homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while.
[imitates
Frank]
Debra Barone: Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah,
doo dah...
[imitates Robert]
Debra Barone: Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond.
[increasingly
frustrated]
Debra Barone: Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond.
EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
[everybody laughs]
Robert Barone: Do me, now.
Frank Barone: What in the holy name of crap are you talking about?
[Ray buys Deborah a sex game]
Marie Barone: Another sex game? Didn't you have enough with that other sex
game you and Robert used to play all the time when you were kids?
Ray Barone: What?
Marie Barone: You know, the one with all the colored squares...
Ray Barone: TWISTER?
Marie Barone: Frank do you love me?
Frank Barone: YOU STILL NEED REASSURANCE, AFTER 45 YEARS OF BONDAGE?
[Robert has escaped from a woman, by climbing out
of her window]
Marie Barone: Why did you do that?
Robert Barone: She eats insects!
Marie Barone: But, why did you climb out her window?
Frank Barone: Hey, that's a very convenient way to get away from a dangerous
woman. I mean, if your mother's apartment had been a couple of floors lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
[about Debra's dad's new girlfriend]
Ray Barone: Well, usually guys his age go for younger women. Instead of going
for somebody younger he went for somebody different.
Debra Barone: Ray!
Ray Barone: I meant... No! I mean, I always say the opposite phrases of what
I say. Like, just this morning I told Debra "I'm soup, can I get some hungry?"
[laughs nervously]
Ray Barone: [Debra's mom leaves, Debra looks at Ray menacingly
and goes after her mother]
Ray Barone: Oh, man...
Frank Barone: Kill is going to Debra you.
Frank Barone: You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.
Ray Barone: Oh, yeah?
Frank Barone: Yeah, one time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account
of your mother.
Ray Barone: Really?
Frank Barone: Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go
to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine, that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your
mother's cooking, that's something... special. And, I figured, she was only gonna cook like that for me. So, I went to Chuck
Pacarello's and punched the headlights off of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.
Ray Barone: Wow, dad, I never thought there was a story like that behind
you and mom. It's almost romantic.
Frank Barone: Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.
Ray Barone: How come?
Frank Barone: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.
Marie: [after walking in on Robert flashing Ray] I remember it from the tub.
[after giving his father a great gift and wondering
how he's going to give one equally good next year]
Raymond: You don't get it. It's not that I don't have to worry for a year,
it's that I have a YEAR to WORRY!
Frank Barone: Chuck Pacarello? Where the hell is he? That son of a bitch owes me. I'm serving his life sentence!
Bernie: Will you look at her? Oh, my god. If I wasn't married, you know what I'd do?
Ray Barone: Wear the same underwear every day?
[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair]
Debra Barone: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
Marie Barone: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about
that pizza parlor putana!
Debra Barone: We got to find a way to get away from your parents.
Ray Barone: I got the perfect solution- the witness protection program.
Debra Barone: Ray, I'm serious.
Ray Barone: So am I. Let see them try to find Steve and Phyllis Rosenberg
in Tucson, Arizona.
Debra Barone: We have to invite your parents. It's like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the
whole event.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing. When the Russians boycotted,
we won everything.
Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes,
you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
[sticks check in front of Raymond]
Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!
Debra Barone: Dr. Laura thought I was boring.
Ray Barone: You're not boring, you're normal. Living in my house, I prayed
for normal. Then, I had to fall asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes. There was 'Fat Tony', 'Danny the Weasel'
and 'Billy Stretch and Tastes Bad'.
[Ray is taking parenting classes]
Ray Barone: Hey, Ma, did you change the twins' pajamas?
Marie Barone: Yeah, I left them here. I wanted to get some of the old stains
out.
Ray Barone: We have a washing machine, Ma.
Marie Barone: Some of those stubborn stains need special treatment.
Frank Barone: Why don't you take a class for THAT? I got grand-parenting class
at 3. Today's lessons are "Blow my nose" and "Pull my finger".
[laughs]
Ray Barone: Yeah, while you're there, don't miss the seminar about moving
to Florida.
Ray Barone: [after talking to his parents] You know, it's amazing I can function at all.
Ray Barone: Shouldn't you be yelling at me, or something?
Debra Barone: Ray, when you're on the Titanic you lower the lifeboats. You
don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Frank Barone: [to Ray] You're even dumber than I tell people.
[Somebody wrote "Ray stinks" on Ray's fridge]
Ray Barone: I knew it! It's that damn Spencer kid!
Robert Barone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. It could've
been somebody else.
Ray Barone: Well, did you write it?
Robert Barone: No. But, it could've been the twins.
Ray Barone: No, if it was them, they would've wrote "Daddy Stinks". Was it
you, dad?
Frank Barone: If it was me, I wouldn't have written "Ray STINKS".
[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your
fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the
ice cream, too!
Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only
you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
Marie Barone: Hey!
Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...
Marie Barone: Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell
for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank?
Frank Barone: I wanted sex.
Ray Barone: What's going on?
Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.
Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to.
Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill.
Robert Barone: You hit my squad car!
Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look
the other way! Am I right, Ray?
Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.
Frank Barone: What kind of an idiot would spend 80$ for a canoe ride?
Marie Barone: Some people think a canoe ride can be romantic.
Frank Barone: I take it, you never saw "Deliverance".
Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it!
You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back
to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
Robert Barone: Ray...
Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really
like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner-
she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
[touches Debra's shoulder]
Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
[pause]
Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.
Ray Barone: What do you know about it? Mom and Dad didn't return your gift. You don't know what it's like.
Robert Barone: Oh, I'm sorry. You haven't read my book, "You're in the way.
The Robert Barone story"?
Marie Barone: I have my own opinions. I'm not just some trophy wife.
Frank Barone: Trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?
[Robert started hanging out with black people]
Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday,
why the hell did you call me "dog"?
Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass".
That's also a sign of affection.
[Ray comes in]
Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
[to
Marie]
Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.
[Frank walks in to everybody yelling]
Frank Barone: Be quiet! Be quiet!
[Everybody quiets down]
Frank Barone: I'm hungry.
Frank Barone: What if I wanted to have more kids?
Ray Barone: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.
Frank Barone: [to Marie, while wiping her face clean] I like you better without all that crap in
your face.
[Ray and Marie are talking about the sculpture that
Marie did that looks like a vagina]
Ray Barone: It doesn't look bad.
Marie Barone: It was an accident!
Ray Barone: Well, so was penicillin. And Robert!
Marie Barone: I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!
Debra Barone: Me too?
Marie Barone: Of course, dear. You're family.
[Debra jumps
with joy]
Robert Barone: Me too?
Debra Barone: I HATE THIS!
Ray Barone: I know. It's my brother, right?
Debra Barone: No, it's not your brother.
Ray Barone: Of course. It's my father... a pain in the ass!
Debra Barone: No, not your father either.
Ray Barone: Now I know. It's my mom. Come on, let's kill her.
Debra Barone: Stop it, Ray.
Ray Barone: Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so... let's
kill her and then go to the movies!
Ray Barone: It turns out that Allie didn't want the sex talk! She asked me why God put us on earth!
Debra Barone: So, what did you tell her?
Ray Barone: I told her heaven was too crowded.
Debra Barone: You what?
Ray Barone: And then, I faked a cold and got the hell out of there.
Debra Barone: I don't believe this! You wanted to act like a mature adult!
Why didn't you stay and talk to her about it?
Ray Barone: Because I studied for the sex talk!
Ray Barone: Hey Nemo, what do you do if somebody's choking?
Nemo: Change the special.
Ray Barone: Thanks.
Marie Barone: We haven't had a conversation for 35 years.
Frank Barone: I didn't want to interrupt!
[Ray has hurt his back and is in bed with Debra]
Ray Barone: I guess I am going to be out of commission for a while.
Debra Barone: I wouldn't worry - it's not like Van Gogh has lost his paint
brush.
Marie: Okay, me and your father slept together just ONCE before we were married.
Ray and Robert:
WHAT?
Marie: We were in love, right?
Frank: I was young. There was some attachment.
[after Raymond sees Deborah crying all alone]
Raymond: Do you cry because I'm stupid?
Deborah: No, I eat ice cream because you are stupid.
Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.
Ray Barone: You said you didn't know me?
Debra Barone: You were stuffing your pants with food!
Ray Barone: So? I'm your husband, you're supposed to love me no matter what's
in my pants!
Robert Barone: [after making a trip to Pennsylvania] I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in
marriage.
Pat McDougal: [Pat and her husband Hank both smile sweetly and
answer] No.
[the Reverend has begun the wedding ceremony]
Reverend Stevens: If anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold your
peace.
Marie Barone: I have something to say.
[all stare at Marie
in horror]
Robert Barone: How about I hit you with your own wife?
Robert Barone: Never be afraid to pull the trigger, on your smile.
Robert Barone: I'm a freak!
Raymond: You're superfreaky!
Debra Barone: Where did you just come from?
Raymond: I went to the bathroom.
Debra Barone: No, you didn't.
Raymond: I'm doing it right now.
[Robert comes into the jail to discover Debra in
it]
Robert Barone: [to Ray] Oh! So she finally killed Ma.
[Robert is using a power-painter. Ray walks up behind
him]
Ray Barone: [On the back of Robert's neck] Wasp.
Robert Barone: Agggggghhh!
[Robert reaches for his neck. Marie
walks right out and gets a full blast of paint in the face. Frank walks by]
Frank Barone: [without stopping; at Marie's face] That's
gonna need another coat.
Frank Barone: Come on, he's your brother.
Ray Barone: He's your son!
Frank Barone: You're just gonna throw that in my face?
Robert Barone: All I wanted was a place where people would care about me.
Marie Barone: You have that here, you stupid ass!
Marie Barone: [as she realizes her sculpture looks like a vagina] Oh, my God. I'm a lesbian.
Frank Barone: Maybe that's why I like animals. Woof. Moo. Quack. They tell it like it is.
Lesley: Oh, you tricky, tricky white boy.
[Debra and Ray accidentally left the twins alone
by themselves and came home to find them eating pancakes]
Frank Barone: [comes in] I smell pancakes!
Marie Barone: [examining the boys] Oh, my God! Are you OK?
Marie Barone: [also examining the boys] I'll never leave
you boys again. It's OK, it's OK!
Frank Barone: Gimme some pancakes!
Ally Barone: [comes in from the kitchen] You want some pancakes,
Grandpa?
Frank Barone: What the hell do you think I've been saying?
Ray Barone: [to Robert, after he accidentally tore off the top of his Christmas tree] You just
hate anything bigger than you, don't you?
Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
Robert Barone: I actually say a prayer that Ray doesn't do so good that day.
Debra Barone: You say a prayer?
Robert Barone: Come on, God, get him!
[Robert's doing mock traffic class with Ray, Debra,
Marie, and Frank]
Robert Barone: Now I would like you to tell us what offense led you to be here
today. Lets start with... Raymond.
Ray Barone: ...I killed my brother.
Robert Barone: Traffic offense.
Ray Barone: Oh, oh, can you go lie down on the driveway for a minute?
Ray Barone: Rodeo, what is that? Police talk for whorehouse?
Marie Barone: [after seeing Ray and Robert hug each other] Your sons are hugging.
Frank Barone: I'll get the hose.
Ray Barone: Hence all the hullabaloo.
[Ray just ended a sentence with "at"; Marie is infuriated]
Marie Barone: This is the end of civilization! People like you don't wanna
learn or do anything, because they're too busy with their remote control televisions, or playing with their hula hoops, and
before you know it,
[shouts]
Marie Barone: that's where we're at!
Frank Barone: Where the cookies at?
Debra Barone: Yes, Yes, this is a very hip, funky, badass toaster.
Ray Barone: Nothing is ever good enough, and it's always our fault!
Frank Barone: Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that!
Ray Barone: You do!
Frank Barone: She's not my mother!
Robert Barone: It's nice to be important. But it's more important... to be nice.
Robert Barone: So, Debra's parents are coming over?
Ray Barone: Yeah, they don't come around much anymore, so we want to spend
as much time as possible with them.
[Robert stares at him, not buying it]
Ray Barone: I've been told that's how I feel.
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